Funnies thread #3!!!

[PaCe2WN]

Alright, y'all...you know the drill: Give us your best jokes, puns...or any other material that makes people laugh. I'll start you off:

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "in vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead

And do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[PaCe2WN]

Who brought the cat?!

[Sugarmom]

Eeeeuuuwwwww to the first one. And OMG, that poor cat, to the second!

[PaCe2WN]

RULES OF BBQ
It's almost grilling season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[flipagainpaint]

Ok, bear with me, as this has to be a multi-post, due to pics.....


Instructions for properly hugging a baby:

1. First, spy a baby.

[flipagainpaint]

2. Second, be sure the object you spied was indeed a baby by employing classic sniffing techniques. If you smell baby powder and the wonderful aroma of wet diapers, this is indeed a baby.

[flipagainpaint]

3. Next, you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the hugging process. **Note** The added slobber should help in future steps by making the 'Paw Slide' easier.

[flipagainpaint]

4. The 'Paw Slide' - simply slide around baby and prepare for possible close-up.

[flipagainpaint]

5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented 'hug, smile, and lean' so as to achieve the best photo quality.


Dogs, if this is done properly, it will secure you a warm, dry, climate-controlled environment for the rest of your life! Good luck to all of you!

[justbcos]

That was adorable!!! At first I thought "oh the poor baby" - but you can see that the baby was loving every minute of it!

[Appy Trails]

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When.....

You get to work and find a 60 Minutes team waiting in your office.

Your 4 yr old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

It cost more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

Your mother approves of the person you're dating

Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate chip cookies :eek:

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

The fortune teller offers to refund your money.

You're by yourself, pigging out at McDonald's, and the manager orders the numbers on the sign changed.

[flipagainpaint]

Yup, that time of year again.....

[PaCe2WN]

Why you should always wash the salad...

[Evander's Challenge]

There were 3 construction workers. One day all three were working on a high rise, and just sat down to enjoy their lunches. The German opens his lunch box and sees a sausage sandwitch. The Italian opens his lunch box and sees a pizza. The blonde construction worker opens his lunch box and sees a balony sandwitch. The next day when lunch time came around the 3 construction workers ate their lunches on the 17th floor sitting on a beam. The German construction worker opens his lunch box and sees a sausage sandwitch. He said if I have a sausage sandwitch in my lunch box tomorrow I am going to jump! The Italian construction worker opens his lunch box and sees a pizza. The Italian says if I have a pizza in my lunch box tomorrow I am going to jump! The bonde construction worker opens his lunch box and sees a balony sandwitch. The blonde construction worker says if I see a balony sandwitch in my lunch box tomorrow I am going to jump! The next day when lunch time came, the German worker found a sausage sandwitch in his lunch box. The German worker stood up and jumped off the beam off the 17th floor. The Italian worker found a pizza in his lunch box and he too stood up and jumped! The blonde worker the same thing. Saw a balony sandwitch in his lunch box, stood up and jumped. At the reception following the funeral of the 3 construction workers, their widows were talking. The German's widow said I should have given him struddle. The Italian's widow said I should have given him spagetti. Then the 2 widows noticed that the blonde worker's widow was upset. When the 2 widows asked what is wrong? The blonde's widow said my husband is so stupid! He packed his own lunch! :D
Evander's Challenge

[PaCe2WN]

The Silent Treatment
> > >>
> > >> A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find
it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[PaCe2WN]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
> > >> A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, he husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws

[PaCe2WN]

WOMEN'S REVENGE
> > >>
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally."

[PaCe2WN]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

[PaCe2WN]

W O R D S
> > >>
> > >> A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything
to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

[PaCe2WN]

CREATION
> > >>
> > >> A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

[PaCe2WN]

WHO DOES WHAT
> > >>
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for
my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that
it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"

[Evander's Challenge]

It happened last Saturday. I was cleaning Evander's outside portion of his in and out stall. The plastic container was near his stall door. Evander decided to pick up the plastic container with a little contents in it, lifted the container over his stall door and placed it on the barn asle floor. It was a funny sight! Megan who was grooming Peaches saw what Evander did and started laughing. Both of us laughed at Evander's expression! His big soft brown eyes, ears perked up and soft body language were priceless. Evander is a big help. I told using my sense of humor tone of voice: "Evander you are a big help! No one in this barn has such a good helper as you are!" :D Sometimes I think Evander is a Horse Commedian! :D Next thing you know, Evander will open his stall door, walk down the barn asle to where the phone is and order up some treats! :D
Evander's Challenge

[cns1000]

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE



1. Open a new file in your PC .

2. Name it "Housework."

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press mouse button firmly ...

7. Feel better?

Works for me!

[Many bucks]

I'll have to try that :D

[Devo]

A group of high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat.
To save money, they had to room together.

No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so
loudly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one coach room
with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first coach slept in Daryl's room and came to breakfast
the next morning with tousled hair and bloodshot eyes. One
asked, "What happened to you?"

The first coach replied, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I
couldn't sleep, so I watched him snore all night."

The next night it was a different coach's turn. The
following morning, the same thing happened as the second
coach appeared with hair standing up and eyes bloodshot. One
asked, "What happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him
sleep all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a burly
ex-football player. The next morning, he came to breakfast
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The
other coaches couldn't believe it. One asked, "OK, so what
happened?"

Frank replied, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and
tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. I heard he
watched me sleep all night long."

[Devo]

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained
weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the
weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at
dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half,
until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice
led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.

The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack
of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be
disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked
what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate
half!"

[PaCe2WN]

Ah, Devin. I was wondering what took you so long to join in. :D

[Devo]

Been busy :o Haven't been on in a while :( I miss you guys!!!!

[PaCe2WN]

Oh, darnit, guys. She's back. Man, Devin, you just have to come back and ruin things for all of us... ;) :p

[Devo]

Hey now little missie :p Now I'll have to go snooping and see where I can stalk you at :D :p

Oops, it's bed time for me :p

[cns1000]

I urgently needed a few days off, but knew the boss would not allow me to take sick leave. I thought maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her I was pretending to be a light bulb so the boss would think I was crazy and let me have a few days off.
A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him that I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and get some rest for a few days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the boss said to her, "And where do you think you are going?"

You will love this ........

She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!"

[justbcos]

LOL!!! That was FUNNYYYY!!! :D