Completely Frusterated!

[cowboys_mom]

let me say from the begining that I am sorry if this gets too long, but I just have vent a little bit about my step-daughter.(I will call her "A") She wanted a horse all of her life, (so she said) her mom and step-dad buys her "cowboy". The deal was that "cowboy" could come stay at our house, providing "A" would come out more often to spend time with "cowboy" and to help take care of him as much as she could. Was I asking too much? Anyway, "A" wanted this horse, so she agreed to our terms. Oh yeah, she also had to help pay for his up keep!
Cowboy has been here for one year, last month. during that time "A" has only witnessed cowboy peeing, one time, She has never met the vet, or his farrier. When he was lost for 3 days, she never came out to help look for him, or even call to see if we found him. :eek: She has paid very little towards his food bill. (which is all I charge her for) I accept buying all the tack, and am paying the trainer from my "extra" money. OHH, speaking of training, she has only been here for 2 training sessions since we started his training back in the last part of June. I am the one working with the trainer the whole time, learning how to work with cowboy, and getting him ready to ride. "A" never calls to see how his training is going, at this point she doesn't even know that our trainer is able to ride cowboy. Basicly, she has been his owner, in name only. :mad:
"A" absolutely hates me for marrying her father. She feels that she has had to take the back seat for his (her father's) attention. Which is totally not true. She wrote her father a letter saying that "I won, because my plan for our family never included a step-daughter" So very not true. I have tried to treat her as an equal to my son. She is totally jealous of my son, because he lives here full time and she doesn't, though we have asked her to move in with us many, many times. And she has chosen to stay with her mother, who by the way, doesn't ever have time for her, do anything with her, and calls her every dirty name you can think of.
Sunday, she comes out to "pick up her things" that were out here. It was the first time since Aug; that she was out here at all. When she had all of her things loaded up, she hands her dad a paper, a signed statement that for the amount of the money she owes us for cowboys keep, she is selling cowboy to him. And that "if" she should ever decide to want him back, she can buy him back from us for no more than the same amount of money. That line is worded as if we don't even have a choice if we want to sell him to her or not.
She has all but told her dad to choose between me or her. :eek: How rude can you get. She turned 18 this summer and had turned into the biggest Drama queen I have ever known. She has hurt her father so bad I just want to reach out and smack her cute little face.
So, poor cowboy, has a new owner, though to him there isn't any difference because I always was the one taking care of him and working with him etc. I just wish there was someway I could write her a letter and tell her in a very polite, but direct way what I really think of the way she is acting and how badly she has hurt her dad and I.

Thanks for letting me vent, Sorry to unload on everyone there.

cowboys_mom Elaine

[PaCe2WN]

{{{HUGS}}} Poor Cowboy, poor hubby, and poor you...this isn't what you need. IF she wants to be like that, then it's her problem now. She may be going through a tough time, but that's no reason to act like the world is against her and everyone owes her everything. Feel free to vent anytime...we listen with 'open eyes.' ;)

[ShadowfaX]

Wow.
I was a step child and sure I know how it feels to see another person take the place of your parent but to blame that person is just wrong, I blamed my ceatin mother :p . I'm sorry she is making your life so tough.

So at least you do have Cowboy to enjoy? You do want him right because if not I'd turn around and sell him since you do own him. But then I'm like that.
It must be so hard to live with this relationship because of course you don't want to come between a father and daughter but also you do deserve respect from her and you also are his partner which means he really needs to take your feelings into consideration. After all someday she will be married. You are your husbands life mate. That means you come first, but of course being sensetive to the feelings of a child who has had to deal with divorce. It simply is not fair to either of you really.
A tough situation and I hope you can find some peace in at least having a nice horse to love and enjoy.

[DreamQuest]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It must be very difficult for you and your DH. At that age, I'm sure your step-daughter is still very unsure of herself and her place in the world. I'm sure that as she matures and becomes an adult, she will come to appreciate you and all you've done for her. I think it just takes time.... I know that doesn't help in the short term, but there's always hope for the future.

[s-b-ranch]

Keep your chin up. SOME Kids are very mean and unthinking at this age... I know. I not only hear it from my high school students all the time about their others but I have a 23 yr old who has just now except the fact that I found a person who loves me and I love and is better for me than his Dad (X of 10 yrs ago). Feeling sorry for yourself and how she acts only effects :mad: you she will blow it off like a bad day at school. :eek: Her life evolves around her and her only-socially and emotionally.

Yes it's hard to hear and if you are a parent of a child this age you will disagree with me big time. But trust me that time will change your mind--unless you are one of those parents who have 24 and 28 yr old kids still living at home.. Paying for thing are we? If they are in school fine but if they have jobs they need to be an adult and find their own way and we are doing them no favors by giving them what we do.

After my child stepped away from me when he chose to move out it become much clearer. I was the money person and took care of the phone and made sure he had gas and a vehicle and his job money was for nothing but to spend it on going out and having a good time...with friends and so on. Even though I charged him a room rent which he could not find the money to pay. NO I am not mad at what he did. He was just being a kid and not an adult.

Kids have to find themselves before they will except you into their lives as you want them too. It will never be the same as when they lived at home...but giving them chances to be better is what it is all about but remember that giving does not mean paying for. They need to stand on their own----don't pay for things they need to be paying for on their own as an adult ---things like cell phones -- cars ---insurance--and esp. HOBBIES. When they get to the point they can afford them it means so much more than our trying desperately to give them things we think they would like.

I am sure I have made people angry with this but truth does not always come in a nice neat package.

:) You sounds like a good person so don't let her life choices ruin yours -- and if he loves you it won't ruin his either. When you start standing up for yourself to her it might get better but it will get worse before it's over.

:o REMBER SHE IS THE ONE MAKING THE CHOICE NOT TO SEE YOU BOTH--- it is not from anything you did or did not do! Don't beat yourself up over this and it will plan out someday but there is no quick fix.

Be thankful that you found a wonderful man- and nice life- and have helped Cowboy find a person who cares. Cowboy could have been elsewhere with her care and going down fast with you not able to help him. :)

stay strong-- you are the only one that can make you happy or sad...that is your choice.

CHIN UP!

[vsolubo]

I am so sorry about your situation with your step-daughter. I am sure she is hearing bad things from her mother, which is clouding her judgement. Probably most of what she says to you is what she has heard from her mother, and that isn't going to change until she starts spending more time with you with an open mind. :(

[justbcos]

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. Kids can be so hurtful, and it makes it so much harder when you're in the middle of a triangle like this. I've never been a step-anything, but I can just imagine how difficult it must be.

I don't have any good advice whatsoever, so I'll just offer you a big cyber-hug. Good luck with her and hubby. Sounds like Cowboy is actually the least of your problems. :o

[Missouri Girl]

Hang in there. My mom and dad divorced when I was 16. He was married a couple months later. I was very resentful of my step mother. I was not nice at all. It certainly did not help that my birth mother was yanking some serious strings. At that age its all me me me, my feelings, my stuff, me me me.
Eventually I developed a relationship with my step mom.
Its so hard, especially when she has hurt your husbands feelings. You two certainly have went above and beyond with Cowboy. But you know, you are the one he knows, maybe he is meant to be with you. Is that letter she handed you legal? Is her ownership binding? Does the possession is 9/10 of the law apply here? If you really want to keep Cowboy, I would make it to where she cannot come back and buy him back. I would hate for her to do that out of spite, and Cowboy to be the one to suffer.
Cyber hugs to you.

[Maryb]

I'm involved in blended family situations myself and can relate to a jealous step-sibling. I have a step-son that is very much the same, he isn't over as much as my biological kids are, and he has little respect for the other boys' stuff and thinks he can do just about anything (he is an only child at his mom's house) and things are quite difficult at times. I totally relate and empathize with you. Kids learn very early that if they play their parents, step-parents against one another, they get more attention which certainly doesn't help parental relationships any. They mostly do this to get a 'dig' into the other parent. I know my step son is in a tough situation and I am lenient with him because of that, to a limit though. All my kids are in a tough situation going 'back and forth' and, really, living separate lives at each house. These kids didn't choose to be in a broken family - it is due to the parents that the family is broken.

I'm sure a lot of it is your step-daughter's age and she is probably sensitive and may be hearing things from the 'mom' that make it worse. I hate when parents talk about the other parent to their kids...I just HATE THAT. Let them be the kids for crying out loud, they aren't flippin counselors... Plus, 18 year olds are very self-absorbed to being with. But, no matter what, there is no excuse for disrespect or hurting anyone. That is something I DO NOT put up with.

Hang in there...I know it is hard, especially as a step-parent where your hands are pretty much tied... We should start a NHR-Blended Family thread... :o

[Mary from MN]

Do not take it personally and do not let it effective your relationship with your husband. When my husband and I started dating our son's were both 14 years old, the beginning of those wonderful :eek: teenage years. Even though John spent the same amount of time with his son Ryan after we started dating, Ryan was jealous of the time John spent with me and my son. And my son Patrick, was jealous of the time I spent with John and Ryan. It was a no win situation! The funny thing was Ryan and Patrick had gone to grade school together so they knew each other very well.

On Sept 16th, John and I got married, Patrick (now 20) was my man-of-honor and Ryan (also 20) was John's best man. When I look at the pictures and see the smiles on those boy's faces, I just want to cry with joy. John and I are so proud of the young men our boy's have turned into. The problems we had at the beginning are long forgotten but I believe they made our relationship stronger, since John and I respected the relationship each of us had with our child.

Hang in there, the teenage years are the toughest time of a person's life. I know I would never want to relive them. :eek:

[cowboys_mom]

Thank you everyone for all of you kind words, words of encouragement and your cyber hugs! It is all very much greatly appreciated.

my DH and I are very much bonded together on this issue! He is tired of her (his daughters) games. Funny though in a way, since "A" hasn't been out hardly at all the relationship between my DH and my DS has improved dramatically! Believe me that is a good thing, in and of itself.

I feel really bad though for my DH, I know he is hurting because of his daughter. Their relationship use to be one that was very, very close. I had been really impressed by how close they were when we were first married. I just pray that they will be again one day.

[kayla]

Lots of good words of wisdom already. Blended families and step-relations can be very trying on all sides. It sounds like you've been more than patient. Your husband needs to be the one to set boundaries with how she treats you, IMO.

But at least things are calm now.

As an aside, horse ownership is often not at all what one fantasizes. I had to go through my own let down of fantasy when I got Sundance. It isn't all Black Beauty...in fact, very little of it is that idyllic. I've seen horse-loving teenagers who turn out to be horse-ignoring teenagers far too often.

[nelson]

I am not going to bore anyone with my experience with my step son, and daughter. To make it very short I married Nelson when he had been divorced from his wife for 2 yrs. Had custody of Dana 19 yrs. old in college, and Mark 15 at home. Before we were married both kids loved me. After we got married Dana still did, Mark didn't, I sudendly became the wicked step mom.

Sadly, Mark moved in with his mom at 18, married his girl friend who was 22, and part of why I was the wicked person They have not spoken to us in 20 yrs. He didn't even tell us he was leaving, he and his girlfried came while we were at work and not only moved his stuff, they actually took gifts they had given us.

I think sometimes the problem is that the kids have never had help dealing with their parents break up. As long as the other person is just there, in the back of their minds their parents could get back together. As soon as you get married, you change their hope of parents getting back together. Then somehow it becomes your fault.

I come from a divorced family, but it was a long time before either parent remarried. I can tell you my stepdad was great, I loved him, but never called him Dad, and never had a problem reminding him he wasn't my Dad. I was 16

If you need a shoulder PM me.

Annie

[cowboys_mom]

Thanks Annie,

I think you really hit the nail on the head with not having the time to deal with the fact that her parents were not getting back together. Somehow I think even today, if I was out of the picture she would think that her mom and dad would still get back together. Which will never happen in a million years.